Floor Polishing at Prestige Exotica or How I Learned About Indian Standard Time

I think I have mentioned this but the name of my apartment complex is "Prestige Exotica."  This is a picture taken through the front door of my building.  This picture does not suggest it, but living in India feels a lot like living in Mad Magazine.  But, hey, when I was a kid I loved mad magazine.  I just never dreamed I would have the opportunity to live it.

This is my flat before the floors were polished.  This is the main room looking east toward the living area.  Behind me is the dining area.  These are beautiful marble floors.  They were filthy.  I complained about this to the management. 

Their response was, "you could have them polished." 

"Good idea," I thought.

Let me elaborate on "the management".  There are two high rises in this complex.  Prestige was the builder.  They sold off the units.  Condoed them if you will.  I don't know exactly how many owners there are but they are many because there are about forty flats in the two buildings.  They are managed by a management company whose name I don't know.  There is a head guy and there is a chain of command and a pretty large staff.  The head guy is an ex Indian Air Force Engineering Officer who spent a lot of time in the Rajastani desert.  He introduced himself as "Commander Vishwanathi Ragamurthyjayahari" or some such Indian name which I could never repeat and made up here for the sake of the story. 

I asked the logical question, "What should I call you?"

"Commander!"

Ok, I like that.  I heard it.  I can remember it.  The second in command is a regular Indian guy named Pramesh and the third is Manju.  These are the guys you go through when you need something.  They are for all the world a reincarnation of the three stooges in classic Hindu style.  Commander is gruff and to the point. Always reminding me that his job is to make me comfortable.  They all sit in a little office smaller than a WalMart men's room and similarly appointed.  Pramesh is laid back and pretty normal.  Manju is a deer in the headlights always saying yes to what ever you ask and nodding his head "no" and smiling large.  Commander is Larry, Pramesh is Moe and Manju is Curly even down to the "no hair" detail.  So Larry barks orders, Moe ignores them, and Curly scurries around.  In a splendid example of Indian heirarcy at work, all the orders start with Commander and roll down hill to Manju.

The floor polishing suggestion originally came from Pramesh. 

"How Much?" was my first question.

"11,500 INR (about $255 USD)".  he quotes. 

I gulped.  "10,000"  I say. 

"I'll call you back."

 He calls back.  10,000 INR is the agreed on price.  All this is done with cash and they want half up front.  Commander introduces me to the floor polisher.  His name is Chakrapani which commander points out is "King of Kings" in some Indian dialect.  King of Kings speaks no engish and smiles alot.  He is shown here in the foreground with his helper, his smile clearly erased by the presence of the camera.

We meet in my flat for the down payment.  By this time my driver, Nagaraj is with me along with another guy, Fayaz, who understands more english than he speaks.  I know Fayaz.  He is an agent of the firm who is helping me relocate.  He helped when I was here in Jan.  Of course King of Kings and his helper are also present.  I have this huge handful of INR which I am about to give to someone I don't know in a situation I am not entirely comfortable with.  So I tell Fayaz I will require a receipt.  Fayaz takes my journal, opens to blank page and writes the payment details down.  I ask when this will be done.  "Two days" comes back.  I tell Fayaz to also include in the receipt about to be signed by King of Kings a penalty clause.  100 INR per day deducted for every day after Wednesday.  "Three days" comes back.  OK.  Write down 100 INR per day to be deducted for every day after Thursday.  What you are missing is this conversation in Hindi, Kanada and English with all the embelishments, intonations and facial expressions.  I love these conversations.  I say something in English to Fayaz like, "Ask him how long" and Fayaz speaks in Hindi for five or six paragraphs with great arm waving and King of Kings replies in a like manner,  four or five paragraphs and much arm waving.  All the time I'm thinking, "I said all that?"

Negotiations were completed, receipts signed, payments made and floors polished on time.  After is shown below with the partial delegation, Nagaraj, King of Kings, his helper and a security guy from the staff here. Fayaz is not shown. 

I wasn't real happy with this $220 job and it had dawned on me that I really hadn't negotiated much of a discount.  But what's an expat to do?  They did look better.  However what happened next is not entirely clear to me.  They installed the TV on the wall to right in the picture above and when I came in the floors were totally trashed.  It looked like someone had held a square dance clinic in my living room. 

As I pointed out above I was already having misgivings and now I was convinced I had been screwed by Alfred E Newman.  I complained to Commander. 

"No problem, Mr. Robert, King of Kings will return and fix the problem." 

"No extra charge?" 

"No, no extra charge." 

"When? "

"Saturday." 

"Good."

Saturday comes.  It dawns on me I don't know when King of Kings is coming and I have to be there.  I track down Manju. 

"When is King of Kings coming?" 

 "You want him come today?"  shaking his head "no" and smiling large.

 "Yes, today, actually now." 

"Can't come now." 

 "When?" 

 "2:00" 

"I won't be here." 

"Come Sunday?" shaking his head "no" and smiling large.

I had a commitment on Sunday around noon.

"10:00" I offer.

"OK, 10," shaking his head "no" and smiling large.

I'm learning about "Indian Standard Time."  I was concerned that King of Kings would no show up at 10:00.  He would be late and collide with my committment.  I love this twist.  Saturday night I go to dinner at a very high end Bangalore Mall and get a mild case of food poisoning.  I wake up Sunday morning nauseated, cramping, with a low-grade fever and greasin' my drawers .  There's good news and bad news here.  I have already covered the bad news.  I hate greasy drawers.  The good news is I will be here whenever King of Kings decides it's 10:00 'cause I'm not going anyplace anytime soon.

He never came.  It turns out noone is allowed to work in the complex on Sundays.  I laid there til about 12:00 feeling like shit with the American in me wantin' to kick some ass and the expat in me saying," you volunteered for this."  I was ok when it dawned on me after calling Pramesh that Sunday was not the day.  Monday at 10:00.  No problem.  Monday was to be the first day for Silvia, my new housekeeper and I wouldn't have to be there.  King of Kings showed up Mon at 11:30 according to Silvia and worked until 2:30.  The floors look better, I am over my food poisoning and now understand a little more about "Indian Standard Time."  And, yes, I did volunteer.